I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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