My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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