At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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