at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
i think im in europe. pls send help
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
