Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
