Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
