Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize