Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
