Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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