you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
