hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
