his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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