I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
