turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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