I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
