I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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