They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
40s are totally the cure
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
