It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
