She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
