Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
