At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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