Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
