By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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