At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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