You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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