Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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