Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
