why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
