One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize