Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
