Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
