speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
We had to coat check the pizza.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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