Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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