last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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