I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
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