If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I am available for nakedness
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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