Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
