on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
