you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
