to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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