I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Randomize
