please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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