all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
