shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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