You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
