Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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