were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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