the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
