Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
