Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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