Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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