i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize