Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
