Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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