Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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