My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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