I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
