I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
