He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
